Sanity

"There are a few things that dwell upon your thoughts at night. Things that haunt you in your sleep ... or at least your futile attempts to. These things questions you and your actions. They make you slowly go insane. They make you lose your mind."


I sighed, dropping my battered quill, and pushed my chair back, letting it graze the worn carpeted floor. It was one of those nights. It was of the nights I just wrote of. Those ones, that invades your head and causes memories to flood and wash your thoughts with images that have been drastically changed and disfigured. Grotesque, some would say. On nights like these, I would see different people, but tonight was different. Only one thing flooded my mind tonight. Tonight, I only thought of one thing.

I thought of her.

My memories of her were clearer than crystal. It seemed just like yesterday when her sapphire eyes were brimming with tears of joy. It seemed just like yesterday when her small and fragile hands pulled me up and hugged my soaked body. After all, what better way to ask the girl of your dreams to marry you, than in the rain with your best suit and a ridiculously tall top hat?

It was the confirmation of her sweet, cherry like lips upon my smooth and thin ones that made me sure that I made the right decision. Of course, at the time, I did not have the wiry brown, not slightly greying, mess that covers them like they do today. How times have changed. How daring that sweet kiss was. How times have changed.

Leaning back into my seat, I closed my eyes and allowed myself to surrender to the thoughts of her. After all,  memories are the only things that can keep me sane ... or as sane as I could be. More moments of her flashed passed me and I felt my mouth twitch.

Her, in a periwinkle dress as she danced in the sunlit meadow.

Her, in yellow, clutching onto my hand excitedly as we broke the news of our engagement.

Her, in all white, looking like an angel that graced the earth as "I do" softly cascaded from her lips.

Her. Her. Her.

It's all about her.

She appeared before me again. She clutched at her stomach, beaming like the sun.

"Honey," she cooed.

NO!

Stop!

Not this again. I don't want to see anymore. Oh god ... please ... no.

I watched as I saw myself kissing her temple. I looked so happy. She looked so happy.

I was shaking helplessly at the memories. Not my insanity now. Please, make it stop. They paid no heed and continued infiltrating my mind.

We were arguing now. Something trivial. Tears were rolling down her cheeks as she ran out the door and into the pouring rain. I should have gone after her. Why didn't I? She was already ill and I let her go into the rain when she was expecting.

I am a monster.

There she was, lying on the bed in nothing but white. Damn that demonic colour. Such a colour should not grace her. My heart wrenched at the sight of her ... slowly ... painfully morphing right before my eyes. Her golden curls were slowly transforming into a rustic yellow. Her face was gaunt and sallow. The light in her eyes? Vanished and left a dark sea of pain and misery.

I saw the younger me again. I was praying to the gods. I watched as I crouched at her bed, praying for some form of colour on her. Any colour. I wanted to scream at my former self. I wanted to lunge at him.

Stupid man. Don't pray. Stupid man. What are you doing?

A tear rolled down my wrinkled cheek because that night, my prayers were answered, For the first time, my prayers were answered. That night she was dyed a bright and vivid colour. She dyed herself that colour. That night, she was dyed. That night, she died.

Red.

...

...

...

Blood red.

My eyes flew open at once and I gasped for the breath of sanity. I frowned and rubbed my temples shakily before standing up and making my way gingerly towards the writing desk. I picked up the battered old quill.

"There are a few things that dwell upon your thoughts at night. Things that haunt you in your sleep ... or at least your futile attempts to. These things questions you and your actions. They make you slowly go insane. They make you lose your mind.

In my life, I have lost a series of things, and not once was I able to regain them. I have lost; seventeen socks, six quills, two ties and zero weight. However, when it comes to losing things, there are only a few things that remain permanently on my mind.

They still haunt me to this day, for I have lost my mind ten times before I met her, and one hundred times after I lost her."