Romance Lessons By Walt Disney

From the early stages of childhood, we have been taught one of the most important life lessons. They will mould what we do, what we think and how we act. Shaped by our bringing up with Walt Disney and his magical fairy tales, women have been taught that there is indeed a Prince Charming. Life lesson by Walt Disney: make him OUR Prince Charming.

Let us start by outlining what his character, Prince Charming, should be. Not only is he handsome; he is wealthy; next in throne to rule his kingdom; a warrior who is talented at singing and wears tights all the time; rides a horse magnificently; and is always wearing a vest. In short, he's probably a closeted homosexual. Disney has painted us a picture of Prince Charming and allowed us to believe that he epitomises perfection and is heterosexual, when he's probably going out with your Hawaiian shirt wearing neighbour, named Frank.

Enough about the man. Let's talk about how to get the potentially gay Prince Charming of yours. What has Disney taught us? Well, let's go through the princesses. Apart from their names and their ethnicity, there isn't really much that they don't have in common. So, let's scrap that and go through what they have in common.

Similarity number one. These women’s hairs are always flawless. When they wake up in the morning, their hair is absolutely fabulous. When they turn around against the wind, their hair is absolutely fabulous. When they eat an apple and almost die, their hair is still absolutely fabulous. Well, not only is that close to impossible for any relatively normal person, the only logical way I think these princesses manage to keep flawless hair is very simple. They either have a permanent cement wig on, or they drown themselves in hairspray.

Next up: amazing fashion sense. Since your Prince Charming is wearing tights and a vest, it's only logical for you to wear something to match. This means, donning on a puffy dress and never ever taking it off. How many times do you see the Disney princesses change? That's right. They don't. Nor do they shower after talking, petting and letting animals cling onto them all day.

Hygienic? I think not.

Well, a girl's gotta do what a girl’s gotta do to grab onto that perfectly gay man. That means only having one item of clothing, not showering and hanging around animals all the time.

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. This is an obvious fact of life, since all the Disney princesses know how to cook and do housework. Half of them start off with being poor and in some form of slavery, which is against basic human rights, but hey, they're not complaining. If he doesn't like your cooking, just accidentally throw in some arsenic and blame it on your sad, traumatic childhood. That's bound to get the man on your good side. His only choice is to either put up a dim-witted sociopath or date Frank and then potentially die after having what seems to be a perfectly harmless lunch date with his boyfriend's neighbour.

What else? Have you ever sung in public? Well, it's about time you started if you want to get that vest and tights wearing man over there. Disney movies are filled with people randomly bursting into song. And the public seems to know all the words, so they'll be rooting for you. Whether you are drinking coffee, walking to lunch or just about to bawl your eyes out, have a good sing. If the man joins you, then you're a winner. Prince Charming obviously loves Broadway, much like the stereotypical homosexual men. There cannot be another reason as to why he hangs around with singing with candles, clocks, teapots and wardrobes.

New topic: certain Disney princesses and their amazingly unique attributes. To see Disney's development and moulding of women's way of getting that singing and prancing man over there, let's list them in chronological order. We have, Snow White, Cinderella, Aurora, Ariel, Belle and Rapunzel.

Snow White lived in the house with seven men. If that doesn't scream voluntary prostitution, I don't know what does.

Cinderella, well who the hell is capable of walking, dancing and running in glass high heels without breaking them or snapping her ankle.

Aurora started singing with a complete stranger in the middle of a forest and managed to almost get herself killed with a spinning wheel.

Ariel had everything, but she wanted more. Not selfish at all, is she now?

Belle fell in love with a beast, who kept her as a prisoner. In short she has a slight case of bestiality, as well as Stockholm syndrome.

Rapunzel used to have long luscious hair, but then her beloved Prince Charming cut it off. He probably did it because she had lice from the lack of bathroom facilities up in that tower of hers.

So ladies, to steal Prince Charming from your Hawaiian shirt wearing neighbour, named Frank, follow the simple steps we just went through. Not only will it bring the feminist action back a few million years, it might also aid in giving some form of early death, so you don't have to face more humility than you already did. If all fails, just cross dress and save China. What better way is there to get that vest wearing gay man glad in tights over there, than being a man? Better yet, just be Frank.